Walking Through the Dark, Held by Light

Depression did not storm into my life. It whispered its way in—quietly, persistently—settling into my thoughts, my prayers, my breath. Days began to feel muted, as though the colors of the world had been dimmed without my permission. Smiles became rehearsed. Silence grew heavier. There were moments when simply waking up felt like a battle already lost, when existing demanded a strength I was no longer sure I possessed.

I won’t lay bare every thought that haunted me because I have little recollection of the details of all that I went through. There were times when staying alive required intention—when existing in this world felt like an active, conscious choice. Hope did not vanish completely, but it felt fragile, distant—like a flicker of light barely surviving in a long tunnel of darkness and pain.

What anchored me in those moments was the remembrance of Allah. I had no other place to go. No one to complain to. No one who promised me relief or escape from this state.

I remember praying. I still do. I talk to him, open my mind without the fear of being judged or abandoned. He is the all knower. I didnt need to hide from him. He knew my state. He knew my past and he indeed knows my future and my end. This knowledge gave me peace. He is the most merciful- and hence, no sin is mightier than his forgiveness. I am in good hands. I am protected. I just needed to trust. Trust him and his plans blindly.

Tawakkul (تَوَكُّل) is the Islamic concept of placing one's complete trust and reliance in Allah for all of one's needs, while still taking necessary actions and utilizing available resources and means, recognizing that the ultimate outcome is in Allah's hands.

I often thought about the grave—and yes, it was terrifying. The darkness. The stillness. The loneliness. The finality of being placed beneath the earth, wrapped in silence. I thought about the unknown that comes after the last breath, and there were moments when the fear crept in quietly: What if what comes next is more painful than what I am enduring now? What if the darkness there is heavier than the darkness here? Have I been God’s creation who has lived a life that has collected enough deeds o weigh heavier on the scale on the Day of Judgment? Have I been a good Muslimah?

Those thoughts were not easy. They shook me. They forced honesty. And yet, they also stopped me. Because alongside that fear came deeper questions—questions that tethered me back to life. How many more good deeds do I still need to gather? How much patience do I still need to learn? How much mercy must I continue to hope for from the One whose mercy outweighs all fear? How much of a good creation of Allah have I been?

Jannah entered those reflections not as an escape, but as a promise that requires endurance. A destination not reached by surrendering to despair, but by continuing to show up—broken, trembling, uncertain—yet still choosing faith. I reminded myself that I did not want to meet Allah having given up on the life He entrusted me with.

My faith became my quiet anchor. It did not erase the pain, nor did it silence the fear—but it gave both meaning.

Healing did not come suddenly. But with faith guiding me, family grounding me, and friendship sustaining me, I made a choice—repeatedly—to stay.

Today, I speak about depression not from theory, but from survival. And if you are struggling, know this: your life has value.

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.”
— Qur’an 2:153

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.”
— Qur’an 2:286

“So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.”
— Qur’an 3:139

“And let not their speech grieve you. Indeed, honor [due to power] belongs to Allah entirely. He is the Hearing, the Knowing.”
— Qur’an 10:65

“And they will say, “Praise to Allah, who has removed from us [all] sorrow. Indeed, our Lord is Forgiving and Appreciative.”
— Qur’an 35:34

“Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.”
— Qur’an 39:53

“No misfortune ever befalls except by permission of Allah. And whoever has faith in Allah – He will guide his heart. And Allah is Knowing of all things”
— Qur’an 64:11

“And whoever puts their trust in Allah—He is sufficient for them.”
— Qur’an 65:3

“Indeed, with hardship comes ease.”
— Qur’an 94:6